Dating a retired public servant in eastern Ontario is like entering a relationship with a government agency—there’s a system, and it runs on a strict schedule. You may think you’re spontaneous, but you’ll quickly learn that spontaneity has no place in the world of meticulously planned lunches and pickleball tournaments.

First, there’s the lunch calendar, sacred and immutable. Tuesdays are for soup and sandwiches with “the girls,” a rotating cast of retired colleagues with names like Barb, Diane, and Cheryl. Thursdays? Reserved for the seniors’ center “Lunch & Learn,” where they gleefully absorb new knowledge about gardening or the benefits of turmeric.

Sports activities are non-negotiable, too. Golf in the summer, curling in the winter, and pickleball year round. Try suggesting a last minute romantic getaway, and you’ll be met with, “I can’t. It’s our semi-annual shuffleboard tournament!”

Then there are the day trips: wineries in Prince Edward County, fall drives to gawk at leaves, and bus tours to Merrickville for “just a little shopping.” You’ll find yourself in the back seat of a rented minivan, sipping coffee from a thermos, wondering if this is really what dating looks like now.

But don’t worry—there’s a silver lining. These retirees are loyal, organized, and punctual. Just remember: your Friday dinner date is at 5 p.m. sharp, because they need to be home in time for “Jeopardy!” You may not get a whirlwind romance, but you’ll always know exactly where you stand—and what’s for lunch tomorrow.