By Big Mac, the OAP Blogger from Byker

Aye, listen pet. Ah’ve seen some daft things in football ower the years. Ah watched the Toon gan up, gan down, gan sideways, and last season – miracle of miracles – actually lift a major trophy. Ah still get goosebumps thinkin’ about it. Ah had te check the telly twice te make sure it wasn’t one of them daft deepfake things the young’uns are always bletherin’ aboot.

But even with the Toon finally bringin’ silverware home, this new carry-on from FIFA still takes the biscuit. Hydration breaks. Three whole minutes each half. Mandatory. Like the lads are gannin’ te evaporate the second they break into a jog.

Divvent get us wrang, ah’m aall for keepin’ players alive. But come on, man. We played Sunday league in Byker when the pitch was harder than a tax inspector’s conscience. If ye wanted water, ye drank from the same rusty pipe the dogs used. Nobody keeled ower from dehydration. Well….. not from that, anyway.

But this isn’t really aboot water. Nah! 

This is FIFA flingin’ themselves at the Yanks like a lovestruck teenager.

“Oooh America, look! We’ve made football more like your telly-friendly sports! Plenty stoppages! Lovely little gaps for adverts! We’ll even chop the match into neat wee portions like a ready meal!”

Imagine stoppin’ the derby twenty-odd minutes in so some commentator can gan, “This hydration break is brought to you by Big Stan’s Super Ford Outlet, where every truck comes with a free hat.”

Aye, mint that.

Ye divvent need te be Hercule blinkin’ Poirot te see what’s gannin’ on. FIFA’s pockets are twitchin’ like a ferret in a sleeping bag. Broadcasters are lickin’ their lips like they’ve just spotted a free buffet. And we’re supposed te swallow this as “player welfare”. Aye, alreet man. Ah’ve heard better lies from a Sunderland fan.

Next thing ye knaa, they’ll be stoppin’ the match for a “sponsored mindfulness moment”. Or the ref will pull oot a tablet te show us a deodorant ad before a corner kick. It’s aall comin’. Mark Big Mac’s words.

And honestly? If Alan Shearer had been forced te stop mid-run for a hydration break, he’d’ve downed the bottle, volleyed it into Row Z, and carried on scorin’ without blinkin’.

So aye, FIFA can keep their corporate claptrap. Let the Americans have their ad slots. The rest of us’ll be here in Byker, shoutin’ at the telly, callin’ it what it is:

The daftest idea since someone decided the Toon needed a third kit “just for marketing”.