Tag Archives: Honesty

Why I Don’t Struggle With Dating

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I’m in my late sixties now. I live on a small farm where the chickens have better time management than I do. I work when I feel like it, consult when the project’s interesting, and spend the rest of my time in the delightful company of women who know exactly who they are, and what they want. I’ve been called many things, some of them printable, but “a dragon” is a personal favourite. Apparently, I’m the kind of mythical creature who still believes in emotional literacy, direct communication, and showing up with actual feelings. Wild, I know.

And yes, I date. Often. With love, with humour, and above all, with a plan that includes snacks. Now, here’s the part where the other men clutch their pearls. “Dating? At your age? In this climate?” Yes, Geoffrey, in this climate. And I have a wonderful time doing it.

Because while a lot of men my age (and many younger too) are out there groaning that dating is broken, that women are too picky, too independent, too online, too much, I just smile into my coffee. Not because the world hasn’t changed. Of course it has, yet the tools for connection haven’t disappeared. They’ve just been upgraded. These days, you need emotional intelligence, a working knowledge of consent, and the radical ability to say what you mean without making it weird.

I suppose I had an advantage. I spent most of my adult life wandering: new countries, new jobs, new time zones. That sort of lifestyle trains you to find connection in the moment, to seek relationships that aren’t propped up by obligation or role, but by truth. Along the way, I stumbled into polyamory and, not long after, BDSM; not as lifestyle accessories, but as practices of honesty, intention, and trust. That’s what shaped me into the man I am today: romantic, responsible, and suspiciously good at calendar coordination.

Why don’t I struggle with dating? Simple: I know who I am, and I say so. I’m polyamorous. I’m a Dominant. I believe love is abundant, not scarce, and I show up with presence and clarity. I’m not interested in convincing anyone to like me. I’m interested in being myself and seeing who that naturally resonates with.

It’s like showing up to a party dressed as yourself, rather than as someone from the catalogue of “what men think women want.” It’s shockingly effective. Also, fewer dry-cleaning bills.

Meanwhile, the average bloke is still stuck in a loop: swiping furiously, confused why his “Hi” didn’t spark instant passion, grumbling that women only want six-foot investment bankers who play guitar on mountaintops. I hear it all the time:

“Women don’t like nice guys.”
“They only go for tall guys.”
“Dating’s a rigged game.”

Brother! You’re not playing the wrong game. You’re playing last season’s game. And you didn’t read the new instructions.

Today’s dating world rewards emotional fluency, not pickup artistry. Vulnerability, not vague texting. Boundaries, not bitterness. The new dating superpowers are things like “active listening,” “self-awareness,” and “being able to hear ‘no’ without falling apart.”

Most men I know who are struggling haven’t done the internal upgrade. They’re still trying to fix their dating lives with better profile photos and punchier icebreakers, instead of asking the truly dangerous question: Would I date me?

Here’s what my dating life looks like: maybe breakfast with one partner, a phone check-in with another, a lazy evening on the deck with the third. Nobody’s confused, nobody’s being played, and everyone’s emotionally fed. Why? Because they know I tell the truth. I listen. I own my shite when I get it wrong. That’s not magic, it’s just good relationship hygiene.

So if you’re a man out there feeling lonely, frustrated, or tempted to write another “Women today just don’t…” rant on Reddit, let me offer you something better: a challenge. Become someone you admire. Learn how to feel your feelings without fear. Learn to ask for what you want without pretending you don’t care. Practice showing up for others, even when there’s nothing in it for you.

Dating isn’t broken. You just need to update your operating system.

There is no shortage of love out here. No shortage of desire or connection. But there is a shortage of men willing to do the work to meet women as equals, as partners, as whole humans. That’s not a condemnation. It’s an invitation.

You don’t need to be rich, ripped, or romantic in six languages. You just need to be real. Because honesty is still the sexiest thing a man can offer.

Honesty vs Transparency

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In my world, there is a strong push towards total interpersonal transparency these days. It’s a hard marketing sell by the “authentic living” leadership and coaching community – “Tell it all, be proactive, share everything, spare no detail, be vulnerable”.  As you can imagine, this doesn’t sit well with me, and while I am all for honest, open, clear and direct communication, I am also for keeping parts of my life private, and the lives of my close intimate friends and partners too. 

As I evolve and mature, it’s becoming easier to maintain my personal boundaries, although they are often seen by the uninitiated as rules, and please remember this is my social circle, not necessarily my close or particular friends, and yes, there is a difference. Before moving on to exploring the difference between honesty and transparency, let’s do a quick side bar, and clear up personal boundaries vs rules. 

My Personal Boundaries are empowering and enforceable because they are all about my actions, my choices, and there are consequences for others; whereas Rules are disempowering and often unenforceable, because they are about you and therefore out of my control. Perhaps I need to write a dedicated post of this subject. I will think more!  

As I have said, my privacy is very important to me, as is the privacy of my partners and particular friends, so for me the difference between honesty and transparency is that honesty is what I share with people as my perceived truth, whereas transparency is what others feel they need to know about me.  A good example of this would be how we share our tombstone data.  I like to share the minimum possible such a name, address, email and perhaps phone number (this is honesty), whereas many social media apps want all of the above plus DoB, hair colour, gender and inside leg measurement (for sake of transparency).  For me, the issue is that, if you’re transparent, you may not succeed in educating people as to what they really need to learn about you, whereas my truth is my truth and it informs people about my reality. When I am accused of being secretive, I am often simply exercising my right to privacy. People frequently dress up their invasive demands for information about my life as a need for “full transparency and disclosure”.  

This happened this week, when someone asked me why I wasn’t willing to attend a social event? I had already answered that I wasn’t available, and yet they pushed for full transparency demanding more disclosure, including what exactly I was doing with my time and with whom? My honesty was that I wasn’t available, and that’s a hard “No”, which is all they really needed to understand to access my truth; whereas if I had fully disclosed how I was engaged during that time, this information would have opened up a conversation about social and friendship priorities, which I wasn’t prepared to explore. My choices are my choices!    

There is a concept called a Disclosure Agreement that can be made with partners and particular friends about what we will and will not disclose about our relationships with other people. Perhaps it’s time for this concept to become a more common practice, especially in the days of megacorporation-controlled social media where anything and everything can be disclosed and shared on the InterWeb in an instant?