The update is because apparently I wasn’t clear enough around the distinction between BDSM play and sex, while making the case for intergenerational mentorship, without diluting the importance of age-specific spaces. 

By now, most of us active in the kink world have heard of TNG groups – short for The Next Generation. These are community spaces, usually restricted to members aged 18 to 35, designed to provide younger people with opportunities to explore BDSM among peers, free from what some see as the social and sexual pressures of older participants.

I understand the motivation. For younger people, entering a kink space for the first time can be daunting, especially when it’s populated by people who are decades older. There’s a very real concern about predatory behaviour, especially in communities where power exchange is already a central theme. Boundaries matter. And spaces where younger kinksters can build confidence, self-knowledge, and friendships without fear of being “creeped on” are valid and valuable.

Yet, somewhere along the way, the well-intentioned effort to protect and empower young people has hardened into something less healthy: exclusion. What began as a way to create peer-based support networks has too often become a wall that blocks essential mentorship, skill transmission, and historical continuity, elements that BDSM, as both a practice and a culture, can’t afford to lose.

BDSM Is Not Sex – But Sex Has Muddied the Water
We need to start by untangling a key confusion that’s quietly undermining both sides of this debate: BDSM play is not inherently sexual. The popularization of kink through mainstream media and online platforms like FetLife and Reddit has brought in a wave of newcomers, many from swinger or sex-positive backgrounds, who conflate BDSM with sex, and especially with casual sex.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with mixing sex and kink when it’s negotiated. But BDSM is, at its core, about power exchange, control, sensation, trust, and often intense emotional experiences. For many long-time practitioners, myself included, it’s not about genitals or orgasms. It’s about precision, discipline, psychological connection, and often an aesthetic rooted in service, restraint, and deep consent.

When younger kinksters say, “We don’t want to be hit on by older members,” they are absolutely within their rights, but when that discomfort is extended to include exclusion from educational play parties, skill shares, or mentoring scenes simply because someone is over 40, we are no longer talking about safety, we’re talking about ageism. And in doing so, we risk throwing out the very scaffolding that makes BDSM sustainable.

The Value of Mentorship in BDSM
Unlike sex, which most people figure out through personal experimentation, BDSM carries real physical, psychological, and ethical risks. There are tools that can break skin, restrict breathing, or trigger trauma. There are dynamics that mimic abuse but rely on deep consent, mutual care, and communication. These things are not intuitive. They are learned.

Much of what we know today about safety, negotiation, aftercare, trauma-informed practice, and even how to structure a D/s relationship, was developed by earlier generations of kinksters who often learned the hard way. There is a lineage of knowledge that deserves to be passed down, not cut off.

I’ve seen firsthand what happens when younger players are left to figure things out on their own. I’ve watched scenes falter because no one recognized emotional drop. I’ve seen harm escalate because boundaries were not clearly discussed. I’ve witnessed newer Dominants imitate porn-inspired dynamics with no understanding of service, responsibility, or care. And I’ve seen submissives pushed beyond their limits by equally inexperienced peers, not out of cruelty, but out of ignorance.

This is not a matter of policing young people. It’s a call to enrich their experience with the depth of collective wisdom that already exists.

Let TNG Stay Social – But Open the Gates for Skill-Building
To be clear, I’m not against TNG spaces. The desire to socialize with peers is entirely valid. Younger folks deserve spaces where they can be themselves, flirt freely, and build community without feeling objectified by older members, but BDSM play spaces and skill-sharing events are not the same thing as social mixers. When TNG policies extend to the full exclusion of older, experienced practitioners from education-focused events, we lose the very thing that makes kink community valuable.

The solution isn’t to abandon age-based spaces, it’s to differentiate between social comfort and educational necessity. TNG groups can and should host age-restricted munches, parties, and discussion groups, but when it comes to workshops, play parties focused on learning, mentorship programs, and community leadership, older kinksters still have a vital role to play.

That role isn’t about control or dominance over the group. It’s about availability, humility, and stewardship. The job of an elder isn’t to run the show, but to help others run their own shows safely and meaningfully.

Safer Communities Require Bridges, Not Walls
We don’t build safer communities by locking people out. We build them by teaching people how to assess risk, how to spot manipulation, how to say no and how to hear no. These are not age-bound skills, they are community-bound ones, and community can’t thrive without cross-generational dialogue.

We also need to reject the simplistic framing that younger equals safe and older equals predatory. Harmful behaviour exists across all ages, genders, and orientations. What matters is ethics, accountability, and communication, not the date on someone’s birth certificate.

Toward a New Kind of TNG – One Rooted in Collaboration
Imagine a model where TNG groups maintain social autonomy, but invite older members to run skill-based workshops, offer scene coaching, or mentor newer Dominants and submissives. Where events have posted boundaries, vetting, and safety teams, but also include intergenerational wisdom. Where “creepy” behaviour is called out and dealt with directly, not just filtered out through blanket age bans. Where learning is prioritized, not sanitized.

TNG spaces could become crucibles for a new kind of kink culture, one that’s trauma-informed, neurodivergence-aware, inclusive, and intersectional, but only if they also embrace the old lessons that still matter. We don’t need elders to dominate the room, but we do need them to be in the room.

Don’t Lose the Map
No one climbs a mountain without a guide. And no one should be expected to navigate the emotional, psychological, and physical terrain of BDSM without access to experienced support. If you’re 22 and just stepping into kink, you deserve better than a social group with no elders, and a YouTube playlist. You deserve mentorship, safety, and tradition alongside your peer group.

At the time of writing, my regular BDSM play partners range in age from their early 30s to mid 60s, and I’m currently mentoring a newcomer to the community in her early 40s. Because we’ve taken the time to communicate clearly, set expectations, and build trust, age fades into the background. What truly matters are knowledge, skill, and lived experience.

It’s time we stopped treating age as the enemy and started treating community as the goal. Let the TNG groups flourish, but let the wisdom flow.

Sources
• Barker, M., & Langdridge, D. (2010). Understanding Non-Monogamies. Routledge.
• Newmahr, S. (2011). Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk, and Intimacy. Indiana University Press.
• Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2017). The Ethical Slut (3rd ed.). Ten Speed Press.
• Rubel, D. J. (2014). “Kink and the Problem of Nonsexual Intimacy.” Journal of Positive Sexuality, 1(1), 16–19.
• Martinez, T. (2022). “The Rise and Limits of TNG Spaces in the Kink Community.” Leatherati Archive.